Let me me preface this post by stating that I have taken Chantix before, and it worked.
I am, or rather, was, on Chantix. Obviously I smoke or I wouldn't be taking it. The first time I took it I smoked for about 2 and a half weeks and then magically I just stopped; didn't want to smoke anymore. It was Awesome! The second time I took it, I quit after two weeks because I was travelling and didn't want to smoke where I was going.
This time, however, I started taking it and I am at two months and am still smoking. I have tried to quit several times but sadly I am still smoking.
This time I am an asshole. This never happened before. My wife can't stand me, the kids think I'm a mean person and to be honest I don't like me. I don't like the person I have become and I hate how my wife sees me.
When your wife tells you that you are not the man she married, there is some shit seriously wrong with that.
This... attitude let's call it, has gone on for over a month now and I hate it. I was ready to stop taking Chantix before because I didn't like the person I am on it. My wife and I mutually decided that I should keep taking it because it was better to suffer in the short term than keep smoking and suffer in the long term. I get that, I really do. But deep down I know that Horrible Me would not go away and I dreaded what would happen. Don't get me wrong, I wanted and still want to quit smoking, it is a crutch and it sucks.
Long story short, I can't live my life always wondering if a) I am going to the straw that broke the camels back and everyone hates me or even worse, b) that my wife will just get fed up enough to leave me seeing as how I am not the same person that she married.
The funny thing is that I can see all of this happening to me. The anger, the edginess, the assholeness... All of it! But as long as I have that shit pumping through my brain I can't keep my finger off the trigger for very long and will eventually snap and be the person most hated in the house... again.
To the point of tears most days is how Chantix makes me feel about myself. I hate me.
So I am not taking it anymore. Fuck it.
If I smoke but am the person that my wife married, I would rather me him that whoever this asshole is.
The irony is that I know that I can't quit alone, without help and I know Chantix can do it.
Maybe I'll try it again after moving and holiday stress subsides, who knows.
1 comment:
I know someone who went through something almost identical with Buboprin (I think that's it). Asked the doctor about it, and only after was told "oh, it's also an anti-depressant and sometimes there's side effects like that". That might have been nice to know before hand.
So I say if it's doing this to you, it's not worth it. That's my opinion. And regardless, I'll keep my positive thoughts in your direction for helping you achieve your goal.
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